It seems apropos to mention something controversial about Santa Claus, given the recent furor over his skin pigmentation. (Because, ya know, early Catholic Bishops and German folklore characters are traditionally such a multicultural crowd.) But, my controversial comment about old Saint Nick has little to do with his racial identification. You see, I have given it many hours of thought (no… I have no life), and I am convinced that Kris Kringle is (undoubtedly) a member of the Republican Party.
Wait! Hear me out! He may not be a Gadsden-flag-waving member of the tea party, but he definitely belongs to the NRA and votes a solidly Republican ticket. (He might have voted for JFK once, but that was primarily because of Kennedy’s tax policy.) Here’s the reasoning:
For starters, the Jolly Old Elf decided to set up shop in one of the most barren, and desolate, corners of the globe. (No… I’m not talking about Detroit.) In addition to the Arctic’s plentiful supply of recoverable oil, it has advantages that would - stereotypically speaking - be attractive to Republican businessmen: It’s basically one freezing cold tax haven.
In addition to lawfully evading taxes by setting up his headquarters in a foreign land, the North Pole has few, if any, enforceable labor laws. Given the historic absence of ill-timed “elf strikes”, it seems reasonable to assume that he has disallowed his workforce to unionize.
Furthermore, his overall appearance and living habits seem to coincide with just about every liberally applied Republican stereotype. He’s clearly a wealthy individual, given his operation’s overall lack of profit sources or revenue streams. Like the “far right” of the Republican Party, he is a deeply religious man. (It’s not too much of a stretch to assume he’s also pro-life… After all, Saint Nicholas is the Patron Saint of Children; and he does seem to be rather found of the one night per year that the world celebrates the birth of Jesus Christ.)
The list goes on… I’m sure his boots are not made from “pleather”. Don’t try to tell me that his suit is “faux fur”. Heck, I wouldn’t be surprised if he went caribou hunting with Sara Palin during his off-season. And his diet of milk and cookies seems to suggest that he wouldn’t be a big fan of Michael Bloomberg’s trans-fat ban, or Michelle Obama’s anti-obesity campaign.
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