Considering that the steady decline in your productivity and the sudden spike in your snarky attitude did not result in the firing you so richly deserve, it's clear that if you want a position where you don't have to work at all, you will need to work a lot harder.

I was shocked to see that some of the fusty, dusty relics are not blissfully sitting in their Barcaloungers, enjoying can after can of gourmet cat food. Apparently, their Barcaloungers have been repossessed, and they can't afford to buy cat food, so they're looking for tips on how to look for a job

If getting a new job every week seems unrealistic, you really should talk to Roman Krznaric. Mr. Krznaric is an author, and in the week he held that position, or so I presume, he dashed out a book, "How to Find Fulfilling Work," in which he promotes the concept of changing jobs about as often as you change your underwear.

Because you don't tweet. And you don't blog. In short, you simply don't fit in a new world of social media, which just happens to have the slightly anti-social effect of turning older workers into unemployed workers.

I am super-busy, you know. Or maybe you don't know, so let me tell you. I am busy. In fact, I am so busy being busy that I really don't have time to tell you that I'm busy.

Apparently, with the entire world desperately trying to get a job or keep a job, somewhere out there in cubicle land are a group of people who can't figure out how to get themselves fired.

If no one at work has told you that recently, it's only because the people with whom you work are jealous of your wonderfulness. They are petty and stupid and resent your soaring intelligence and your super-model good looks.

Imagine the horror show your life will become when your company introduces a program that will have you and your co-workers sweating like the cursed employees of Colorado-based Datalogix, where a typical day can have these poor devils "thrusting 20-pound medicine balls overhead, while their Spandex-clad co-workers sprinted up and down the lobby's carpeted staircase."

While this penguin question strikes me as the oddest of the oddball questions, it does have some real competition. For example, when you interview for a job at Amazon, expect to be asked how you would respond to this highly likely event -- "Jeff Bezos walks into your office and says you can have a million dollars to launch your best entrepreneurial idea. What is it?"

Not even mainlining Ambien can put you to sleep as quickly as a five-second conversation with an accountant.

The villain in the piece? Your desk chair. You may have felt like you had joined an elite society when you were given a snazzy Aeron chair on which to rest your sorry butt, but what you didn't realize is that you were issued a deadly weapon.

Cookies and ice cream may not be health foods, but after a grueling, frustrating, cosmically depressing day at work, the more sugary treats you can stuff down your pie hole, the better you will feel, especially when washed down with beer.

You just learned that the Internet colossus that is Yahoo has decided to reel in all those workers who had previously been allowed to work at home in their jam-jams. According to a ukase from the company's new leader, Marissa Mayer, Yahoo's open-door policy has been shut.

I tell you, the ant may get a lot accomplished, but it's a lot more fun being the grasshopper.

I really shouldn't write this column. I really shouldn't write anything. Or say anything. And neither should you. Expressing yourself can land you in the express lane to unemployment.

Not content with sticking its digital nose into our search for a hot date, now the Internet wants to be involved when we look for a new job.

No, I'm not talking about one of the measly vacation days your miserly company gives you, and I am certainly not talking about one of those endless "training days" where the HR department whisks you away to a secret bunker to brainstorm new rules for the safe and sensible use of paper clips.

Despite my sensible approach to remaining as ignorant about health issues as I am about most other issues, I recently stumbled on a pithy Tara Parker-Pope article in The New York Times' AskWell column.

The basic idea is to leverage the time you spend procrastinating to actually get some serious work done. And if you find yourself procrastinating over your ability to procrastinate, the least you can do is appreciate the positive benefits of procrastination. Just give it a minute.

If you think that no one can match you when it comes to submitting bogus expense reports, you're as wrong as a $200 dinner tab dinner at McDonalds.