A Gun-Loving Farewell to Former Mayor Michael Bloomberg

Posted: Sep 05, 2014 12:01 AM

Bloomberg seems to be throwing in the towel. Apparently the financially savvy former Mayor of the Big Apple is saying “no mas” to continued attacks on the Second Amendment. With fully armed security, the East Coast Nannycrat is retreating to his private business at Bloomberg LP. Most gun rights activists are lifting a glass in celebration. A man of Bloomberg’s fame (and fortune) certainly deserves a personalized send-off into anonymity… And so, I offer this humble eulogy to his avid disrespect for my personal safety:

Dear Ernst Stavro Blofeld Michael Bloomberg;

It’s been fun, Mikey. Thanks for the laughs, the entertainment, and the excuse to justify the purchase of an AK-47 (with high capacity magazines) to my wife. You will be missed.

I know you would think that a Colorado gun-nut such as myself (as a point of interest, yes: we do have roads out here) would be happy at your departure from the anti-gun movement. But, to be truthful, I resent that there will no longer be a high-profile failure, such as yourself, in the fight over firearm ownership.

Your failed attempts to keep two anti-gun Colorado State Senators in power was greatly appreciated. A little outside money, from a New York liberal, was exactly what was needed to make freedom-loving Coloradoans kick a few Nannycrats from office. The pro-gun Milwaukee County Sheriff also sends his thanks for your over-zealous attempt to play politics in corners of America that don’t respect the elitism of New York progressives.

Oh sure… You had a handful of success stories that make me shudder. Your “Everytown for Gun Safety” group, and “Mom’s Demand Action”, managed to get a half dozen big-name stores to turn on gun-friendly consumers. But the 57,000 private businesses that decided to post “guns welcome” signage, and permit open or concealed carry on their premises, tends to make me overlook your minor moments of achievement.

And, of course, the anti-gun commercial created by your group was priceless… Heck, even the women on the View loved guns as they watched the ad featuring a gun-wielding (law breaking) psycho ex-husband attack an unarmed woman (who was on the phone pleading for police to “hurry up”). I probably couldn’t have crafted a more precise reason to arm single mothers if I had tried.

So, really, you will be missed. Without your continual failure, I’m not sure what pro-gun activists will do with all their free time (now that they will no longer need to gather at city hall protests with AR-15s slung over their shoulders quite as often).

The truth is, the harder you tried, the more the pro-gun crowd seemed to win. We will miss the jokes about high-capacity sodas, and smokeless-tobacco bans. Many cigarette puffs, and trans-fat dinners, will be had in the memory of your overreaching elitism.

Even your mindless blabbering about non-existent “gun show loopholes” will be missed on some level, as first time gun buyers (encouraged to arm themselves by your incessant threats of increased regulation, and wildly off-the-mark commercials) wait for hours to take their new firearm home.

So as you trudge back into private life (with some heavily armed bodyguards), please believe that you will be missed. With you gone from the scene, us gun-loving Americans are going to have to resort to making fun of Piers Morgan, and Joe Biden. (Not bad options… But they just don’t have the penchant for failure that you seem to bring to the table.)


Michael Schaus

(A gun-carrying, cigar-smoking, soda-drinking, Conservative, non-New Yorker.)

PS: I’m going to name my next gun after you.