Secret Ancient Liberal Playbook Revealed

Posted: Jun 09, 2014 12:01 AM
Secret Ancient Liberal Playbook Revealed

About 50 years ago, archeologists discovered a scroll with hieroglyphics that appear to be a young girl, kneeling down while holding an oval object above her head. Next to the girl is what seems to be a young boy who is falling violently to the ground beside her.

Seeming to appreciate the significance, this mysterious message was whisked away by aides to then-President Lyndon Johnson. Just last week, the riddle reappeared in an unauthorized leak to an investigative reporter by an unidentified employee of the Democratic National Party.

It seems that many years ago the papyrus image was interpreted by linguists and quickly formed the essence of the Democratic Party playbook, still in use to this day. The modern language interpretation reads:

Lucy: “It must be fate, Charlie Brown. Why else would this football appear out of nowhere? This is your big chance to kick it!”

Charlie Brown: “Not again! I can’t believe it. You know, I wonder if there isn’t something symbolic in this. There has to be! You hold the ball, I come running up to kick it, and then you pull it away. There has to be something deeply symbolic in that. I've thought about it and thought about it. Somehow, though, I missed the symbolism."

Lucy: “You also missed the ball, Charlie Brown.”

The Democratic Party has effectively deployed this strategy with a handful of tactics that have proven reliable no matter how many times they are repeated. For decades now, the Republican Party has been baffled at the unchanging ruse, somehow “missing the symbolism.” But now that the playbook has been revealed, perhaps the Republican Party will be able to deploy some much-needed adjustments.

The three most popular footballs that they Democrats repeatedly lure Republicans into kicking are abortion rights, illegal immigration, and the minimum wage. When the Republican takes a leg-swing at abortion rights, Lucy yanks the ball and Charlie Brown is tagged with engaging in a “war on women.” When he kicks at illegal immigration, Charlie Brown falls to the racist label. And when Charlie Brown kicks at raising the minimum wage, he ends up flat on his back as a selfish rich Republican who wants to hoard his wealth while keeping the poorest people poor.

What Republicans are slowly coming to realize is that they are being repeatedly lured into engaging in philosophical debates that require complex explanations where the Democrats already have a pithy, emotive message ready to go. It is beyond difficult to overcome accusations of having contempt for the downtrodden by appealing to the voters’ appreciation for the finer points of federalism.

The fate of the unborn should be left to the spoiled abortion industry like the fate of his mother should be subjected to Anthony Weiner, Eliot Spitzer, San Diego Mayor Bob Filner, Bill Clinton or the five Taliban commanders that Barack Obama just released to impose Sharia Law on women across the world. Illegal immigrants should be invited to assimilate by completing an indoctrination course on American Exceptionalism. And why not automatically double every Democratic proposal for a new minimum wage? Every such increase is self-destructive and inflationary. So point out the absurd through amplification.

The GOP illusion is that, if they ever do connect with the football being held by the Democrats, they will finally score. But as the playbook reveals, kicking the football was never the object of the game. The goal should be defeating the trickery of accumulating, centralized control. So rather than trying to kick the football, Republicans should be kicking Lucy in the head.

No. No. I didn’t mean… It’s not because Lucy is… is a woman. What I meant was… AAUGH!