Oh, You Wacky Islamofascists!!!

Mark Baisley
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Posted: Jan 11, 2015 12:01 AM

Oh, those wacky islamofascists. They do keep us guessing, don’t they? One day, they assert the beauty of their faith with poetic words and the next day they are shooting an unarmed gendarme in the head. Islamofascists sure must value the winning of converts to Islam because nothing says “our religion exclusively owns the truth” like knocking down a New York City high-rise.

The word islam means submission. Islamofascists interpret that to say you must replace your belief system with mine. It’s actually an old story: “We will all have peace as soon as you submit.” We heard it from King George III, Napoleon Bonaparte, Josef Stalin, Adolph Hitler, Mao Zedong, Idi Amin, Pol Pot, and Kim Jong Il. And, of course, this megalomania is only satisfied by the goofball notion of world domination.

Do you see the challenge here for islamofascists? They are campaigning to rule the world with a marketing plan geared for arthropods rather than Homo sapiens. On rare occasion, the heart of a country gal is captured by the winner of the loogie distance competition. But truth be told, girls like that are difficult to come by. Thus, islamofascists find violence to be the most expedient persuasion.

I spent some time analyzing the statistical probability of world domination by islamofascism. There are 7,287,174,219 people in the world today, speaking about 6,500 languages. They live across 196 countries over 57,505,693 square miles of landmass. The number of cultures within those nations is beyond knowable, including over 500 native American tribes. There is even one island in the Bay of Bengal that has deliberately lived in isolation from the rest of the world for as long as anyone can remember.

The most successful attempt at world domination was the Soviet Union, whose run lasted less than seventy years, from 1922 to 1991. The union covered 8,144,228 square miles of land that now makes up fifteen countries. The number of residents in 1991 was 293,047,571. There would have been more people, but the government slaughtered tens of millions of its citizens.

This most successful act of domination only encompassed one-seventh of the Earth’s landmass and about one-nineteenth of the world’s population. And the Soviets’ marketing strategy did not stink nearly as much as the islamofascist campaign. But of course, without the fiscal motivations of natural law, alas the union was not sustainable.

My conclusion is that islamofascists have less than 0% chance of success in their quest for world domination. The Earth is simply too large. Also, the population is too civilized and 21st Century communication is too available for most Homo sapiens to fall for the islamofascist chimera. They may think that the French create insulting cartoons. But the U.S. has been subtly making fun of them for decades in children cartoons.

Now, I don’t mean to be discouraging, islamofascists. But world domination just does not seem to be in the cards for you. So how about another creative idea that just might work out for all of us?

Back in 2010, NASA administrator Charlie Bolden announced that President Obama had given him three priorities, "One, he wanted me to help re-inspire children to want to get into science and math; he wanted me to expand our international relationships; and third, and perhaps foremost, he wanted me to find a way to reach out to the Muslim world and engage much more with dominantly Muslim nations to help them feel good about their historic contribution to science, math and engineering."

Putting two and two together here, why not just take over the Moon instead? NASA’s manned space flight program is picking up steam again and the Moon happens to be only about 27% the size of Earth. I would suggest that dominating the Moon would be far more realistic than your dominating Earth.

Now if you insist on having your own actual planet, Mercury would be your best bet at 38% the size of Earth. Sure, it’s hot as Hell there. But I suggest that you get used to that anyway.