John Ransom

Scientists are desperately scrambling to face the newest “global change” problem: plastic in the ocean.

A recent expedition involving over 400 scientists from around the world has discovered that there is plastic in ALL of the world’s oceans.

Really. ALL of them.

Oceans, not scientists.

“The findings reveal that plastic pollution is far more widespread than first thought,” says Science World Report. “Rather than being in isolated pockets of the ocean, it's a global problem. It's clear that steps need to be taken in order to reduce the amount of plastic waste currently winding up in our world's oceans.

A quick survey of American households reveals that there is plastic there too.

In at least one American household that I’m aware of, plastic grocery bags have taken over at least 23% of drawer space in 87% of kitchen drawers and 63% of the corner space in ALL of kitchen cabinets.

The first step of course in confronting the irresistible tide of global change from plastic, will be the mad scramble of dozens of film stars, thousands of research scientists, tens of thousands of environmental activists, and hundreds of thousands of gullible young who, while pretending to get an education, will demand government grants be made available to study the problem.

And count on the scientists to do their part to confront the problem.

This is step two.

Valiant public servants that they are, they’ll devote countless “person-hours” to writing grant proposals, having conferences at hotels they otherwise couldn’t afford, and acting like they really work, all while wearing corduroy pants and flannel shirts in solidarity with those recently denied access to free birth control chemicals—that are subsequently peed into the oceans.

The man-scientists, of course, will likely wear something a bit more effeminate in solidarity with urban hipsterism.

In this effort, scientists of ALL genders will be funded by dozens of film stars, tens of thousands of gullible environmental activists; but not the hundreds of thousands of gullible youn, who, while pretending to get an education, will instead buy pot and beer with money sent from home.

“[T]he abundance of floating plastic fragments allows many small organisms to sail on them and colonize places they could not access previously,” says Andres Cosar, a researcher with the project. “But probably, most of the impacts taking place due to plastic pollution in the oceans are not yet known."


John Ransom

John Ransom is the Finance Editor for Townhall Finance.
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