Number 81®, without admitting to any individual guilt for the purposes of staying in compliance with the personal conduct requirements of my league, hereby, expressly and without reservation, apologizes to you, to my teammates, to the patrons of Danny’s All Night Café and to the fine ladies of Buddy’s Airport Lounge and Go-Go Barn, except of course Alexia, Boots and Starry who still owe me money from last month.
Ladies, please call me, because I do take trade. Just don’t call me on the house phone; or on the cell phone. Call me on the other cell phone.
Number 81® was unaware that the combination of steroids, LSD and cough syrup could interact in such a way as to produce intense feelings of inadequacy strong enough to compel me to set fire to 13 private booths and three dinning booths.
I figured, tops, I might set fire to two, combined.
Number 81® apologizes for this miscalculation.
I apologize especially to Mildred and Eugene Garsucker, patrons at Danny’s All Night Café.
You were both right: I should have let you out of the booth first, before I set fire to it.
I know what you’re thinking.
You’re thinking: “I can understand, Number 81®, that as an athlete you want to find a chemical advantage if it’s going to result in millions of dollars in bonus money. I mean who wouldn’t take therapeutic doses of LSD as long as it was prescribed by bona fide PhD that goes by the name ‘RealityX13’?
But taking steroids? How could you?”
First, Lance Armstrong and now Number 81®?
Number 81® just hopes that when I graduate next year from Texas high school football and move over to college football’s Texas Longhorns this incident won’t affect my partying career.
I hope too that this incident won’t affect my scholarship to the Cincinnati Bengals’ Pacman Jones football camp next April.
Alexia, Boots and Starry are “celebrity” instructors.
Your Loving Wide Receiver,
Number 81®, non obstante verdicto
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