John Ransom

(Editor’s Note: Barack Obama will not make an appearance in this column.)

Dear Coach,

Now that the Superbowl is over, it’s not too late to begin thinking about “next” year.   

So, pursuant with the terms of my plea bargain agreement and by order of the court, “Number 81®” hereby submits this apology to you, to the patrons of Danny’s All Night Café and to the fine ladies of the Buddy’s Airport Lounge and Go-Go Barn (home of the $12.99 T-bone-lap-dance combo).

While the words have been crafted on the advice of Number 81®’s attorney, the sincerity is 110 percent mine.

I hope you can tell a posteriori.  

As former San Francisco 49ers Coach Mike Singletary once noted: “Accountability is a huge word.”

He was right, ipso facto.

He was promptly fired.

This concerned me. It was a development I had not reckoned on at the professional level.

So, I sat down and tried to reason it out: I counted at least nine letters in the word “accountability” before I got tired. Accountability really is a huge word.

I saw a whole bunch of letters remaining so I asked my “accountant” to look into it. He told me for sure that if “accountability” was a beer you’d have at least a couple of six packs, or something like that. We were both drunk at the time.        



Speaking of six packs: when I legally changed my name to “Number 81®” as a part of the four-figure marketing deal I signed with Buddy’s Airport Lounge and Go-Go Barn (home of the $12.99 T-bone-lap-dance combo), I agreed to insert the words “Try Buddy’s new package service on Route 81 near the airport” at least every 300 words, whether written or verbal. Please note that the preceding sentence brings me into compliance with that agreement.

Where was I? Oh yes… an apology.


John Ransom

John Ransom is the Finance Editor for Townhall Finance.