John Ransom

This historic first will make the cover of Time Magazine as: Wedding of the Year and will feature Mike Ditka standing next to Barney Frank in a wedding dress.     



7) The media will continue to ignore the indefinite detainment provisions of NDAA

People will wonder “What happened to Tim Geithner? Wasn’t he invited to this wedding?” And the media talking heads will just giggle as they cut back to coverage of the Wedding of the Year, carried live at 4 am on an early edition of the morning show, Good. Mourning America.

A long shot will show the wedding procession as it snakes its way through Boston via horse and carriage as the crowd “hurrahs” for their two healthcare choices: Obamacare or Romneycare.    

6) XL Keystone pipeline will be approved, likely in August

Obama will blame the GOP for holding up the XL Keystone pipeline and Speaker John Boehner will take the blame. In an 11th hour summit, Obama will forge an historic compromise between union leaders and environmentalists allowing the project to go forward.

It will be the first time a sitting African American, Left-Handed president will have lunch with an organized political group seeking endangered species status because of the scarcity of their political views.

After reviewing the claim, Secretary of the Interior Ken Salazar will rule that before he can have a haircut, an environmental impact study first needs to be done on his head.   

5) Obama will take more vacations than he will get votes for his budget

After complaining of exhaustion following a two-week trip to Tahiti to discuss the human rights implications of Ken Salazar’s haircut with a historic panel of left-handed journalism interns sponsored by the Soros Progressive Journalism Fund, Obama will leave for a two-week vacation on the French Riviera.

Newsweek will be quick to point out that George W. Bush spent far more time at his ranch in Texas than Obama has on the French Riviera.

If only George had spent less time at the ranch maybe the historic economic disaster caused by a sitting Right-Handed, Texan-American president could have been avoided.

Trivia: George was the only right-handed Bush to be elected president of the United States. Can you name the other Bush? Hint to Joe Biden: It wasn’t Al Gore.  

4) Eric Holder will play the race card again

In a drunken binge, Eric Holder will play the race card again. Bouncers from Wynn Resort and Casino will evict Holder forcibly from the floor of the casino in Las Vegas dumping him on the Strip, saying “We play poker here, not politics.”  

3) Obama will fire more missiles at a sovereign country without first consulting Congress, likely in October

Obama will become cross with the outlaw regime in Canada holding up the XL Keystone pipeline designed to carry Canadian tar-sands oil to refineries in the United States despite approval by the US. The agreement to build the pipeline reached with unions and environmentalists will still need Obama's signature, which will be withheld until after the election. Obama will tell environmentalists that he doesn’t want his right hand to know what his left hand is doing prior to the election. ;-)  

“Don’t the Canadians know that fossil fuels hold the key to my future?” Obama will tell a press conference on the day a new Gallup poll shows him losing 87 percent of the electoral vote. That’s right: The Gallup poll will confirm Obama is behind in 50 of the 57 states he campaigned in. 

The USS Arleigh Burke, while on a courtesy visit at Fort George in the Hudson Bay, will unleash a Shock and Awe campaign on western Saskatchewan that will go unnoticed except by a team of Canadian and American scientists doing an environmental impact study for Ken Salazar’s haircut.

“Ask Canada if I’m an appeaser,” Obama will tell a 60 Minutes episode sponsored by the Soros Progressive Journalism Fund, the Arthur Vining Davis Foundation and a grant made possible through taxpayer-supported PBS.  

Iran will comment that they are willing to join a coalition of the willing to keep oil freely flowing between the US and Canada, with a division of Republican Guard troops stationed in Nebraska if necessary.             

2) Obama will try to save Obamacare through a legislative compromise

Obama and the GOP nominee for president will hold an historic first-ever summit to craft a compromise on healthcare reform.

It will be the first time a sitting African American, Left-Handed president and a standing Right-Handed Mormon GOP presidential nominee will meet face-to-face at halftime in the bathroom of an NCAA basketball tournament game.

After tense negotiations between the two, mostly due to prostate problems, a compromise will be reached that won’t change the body of the landmark legislation. However, both candidates will agree to refer to healthcare reform as Obamneycare- or alternately, at their option, Robamneycare- from now on.

Chris Matthews will report that he can almost feel low, low prices for healthcare trickle down his leg. The adult diaper company Depends will explore sponsorship opportunities with Matthews’ show Hard Ball.         

1) Michelle Obama will never be proud of her country again

But, everyone else will breathe a sigh of relief.

Happy New Year.       

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John Ransom

John Ransom is the Finance Editor for Townhall Finance.
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