- A 2009 Ford F-150 pickup truck, once owned by President George W. Bush, is going up for auction in a couple of weeks. All the proceeds will go to military families. President Obama should buy this truck because when something goes wrong he can blame it on Bush.
- In what’s being called a stunning literary find, a Danish historian has discovered the last remaining, unpublished fairy tale from Hans Christian Andersen. It’s called “Congress Solves the Fiscal Cliff.”
- Police are now looking for a man who robbed a bank wearing a Mitt Romney mask. He robbed the bank, fled the area, and then stashed the money somewhere in the Cayman Islands.
- The Golden Globe nominations were announced yesterday morning, and “Lincoln” got seven nominations. Finally, a Republican who might win something.
- Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke said a failure to reach a deal for the fiscal cliff will hurt the recovery. The good news is most Americans will not be affected by this because they had no idea there WAS a recovery.
- The U.S. Census Bureau says that by the year 2043, white people will be in the minority in the United States. By that time, the country will be 15 percent black, 31 percent Hispanic, and 1 percent Republican.
- According to a new study at UCLA, Latinos live longer than non-Latinos. More bad news for Republicans.
- Today in Washington, President Obama met with leaders of the American Indian tribes and they honored the president by giving him his own Indian name: “Running Deficit.”
- There was one really awkward moment with the American Indians. In the middle of the meeting, Joe Biden walked in wearing a Redskins jersey.
- President Clinton and President Obama played a round of golf over the weekend. President Clinton asked Obama what his handicap was, and Obama said, “Joe Biden.”
- There are now reports that President Obama will name Massachusetts Senator John Kerry to be the next secretary of defense. Apparently this is part of America’s new defense strategy to bore our enemies to death.
- The economy is so bad, MSNBC had to lay off 300 Obama spokesmen.
- It was announced today that former General Petraeus has agreed to testify before Congress. I guess he figured, “Why not?” Those questions can’t be any tougher than the ones he’s getting at home right now.
- Secretary of State Hillary Clinton collapsed, passed out, banged her head, got a concussion. She is listed as questionable for Sunday’s game against the Ravens.
- Christmas is just around the corner. It’s just under two weeks away, and today Santa released 10 years of tax returns.
- The Rockefeller Center’s Christmas tree is being put in place this afternoon. They bring it in and hoist it with a crane and steel cables. It’s the same way they get Chris Christie into his pants.
- New Jersey Democrats say Republican Governor Chris Christie will be impossible to beat. It’s unclear if they’re talking about the 2013 governor’s race or Coney Island hot dog-eating contest.
- According to a new poll, most Americans think Santa Claus is a Democrat — which is really odd because when I think of a fat, old white man who hires unskilled labor, I think Republican.
- Today New Jersey Governor Chris Christie visited the White House. President Obama told him, “I’d invite you to lunch but the deficit is already too high.”
- New Jersey became a state on this day in 1787. New Jersey Governor Chris Christie celebrated with a giant cake and a bucket of ice cream. Then he remembered today was New Jersey’s birthday.
- A list of the world’s best cities came out today and the highest-ranking American city is Honolulu at number 28. They got points taken off for bad public transportation, but apparently it’s a great place to get fake birth certificates.
- To keep this in perspective, the U.S. pays almost a billion dollars to support the first family. Granted, most of that money just goes to making fake birth certificates.
- Christmas is on Tuesday, provided that the world doesn’t end on Friday, which is the end of the Mayan calendar. Some believe there will be massive earthquakes and floods. Others think a planet will collide with the earth. I believe the end of the world will come about in a much stupider way, like Joe Biden spilling a Mountain Dew on the nuclear launch panel.
- The U.S. Postal Service announced yesterday they are expecting this year’s holiday season to be their busiest ever and also their slowest ever. That’s probably the only business in America that complains about being busy.
- There’s a photo going around with President Obama playing with a staffer’s son who’s dressed as Spider-Man. Obama was like, “Shouldn’t you be fighting the Green Goblin?” And the kid was like, “shouldn’t you be working on the fiscal cliff?”
- The kid was really excited to meet the president, while Joe Biden was real excited to meet Spider-Man.
- Yesterday, the Senate floor was reserved for farewell speeches from retiring senators. Each senator received a fitting gift: a gold watch that stopped working years ago.
If you want to enjoy previous editions of these one-liners, click here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here,here, here, here, here, here, here, here, and here.