Bob Goldman
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It was a dark day indeed when businesses started thinking about their employees as people and not numbers. Being a number was wonderful, even if your number was zero! A number is anonymous. A number has no feelings. A number doesn't mind being squished into a tiny cubicle in some isolated office outpost, being ignored completely for years. A number simply cashes its paycheck and gets on with it.

But then management had to ruin it all by deciding that we had to be treated as human beings, individuals. That's when the workplace psychologists came into the picture, and into the cubicles. That's when the human resources department saw its power soar to previously unimaginable heights. After all, a "Number Resource" department hardly sounds important, but who could doubt the moral necessity of a department of human resources.

Fortunately, this caring and sensitive era of employer behavior has come to a hard stop. Having seen that treating us like people at work does not work, employers are back to thinking of us as numbers -- numbers they can analyze, evaluate and, of course, subtract.

This good news was delivered to me by Andrew Leonard, a staff writer for Salon. In the recent article "Your Boss Wants to be Nate Silver," Leonard rings a tocsin over what he considers to be a negative development in the workplace -- the rise of "people analytics." Using famed statistical prognosticator Nate Silver as an example of numbers gone bad, the reporter finds that "the assessment of whether particular workers are suitable for particular kinds of employment or performing well at jobs is booming like never before. Everything that can be measured about us, via personality tests, biometrics, or the big-data trails we leave in the cloud as we go about our work, is being captured and analyzed."

Yes, the "stats geeks" have taken over for the HR geeks, and we are "powerless before the remorseless tale told by our digits."

Even though we should definitely embrace being returned to number status, I must admit the new technology being employed by our employers may have a distinct downside. There is nothing wrong with being judged by a statistic as long as it's the right statistic. Output per hour is not a good metric for us. But measuring the output we produce compared to the minuscule amount of effort we put in would show us to be superstars.

It is a sorry commentary on modern business life, but the fact that we produce so little could be worrying to our managers. What shows us to be remarkable employees is that considering all the time we spend online shopping and goofing off, we don't produce anything at all!

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Bob Goldman

Bob Goldman is a business humor writer.

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