Excuse me, but have I told you lately just how brilliant, talented and remarkably good-looking you are? I really mean it, too. I'm convinced that the people who read this column are only one self-help book away from Warren Buffet-type riches and Lindsay-Lohan-like fame.
The self-help book that helped me reach this conclusion is Matt Morris' "The Unemployed Millionaire." Before reading Morris, I used to think of my readers as lazy louts like myself, but Morris has made me upgrade my opinion of you, you button-cute wonderful person, you. It isn't his inspirational business philosophy behind my change of heart, but the inspiring way he relentlessly butters up his readers.
"The book is not for most people," declares the foreword by Les Brown. "The people who pick this book up are either millionaires or millionaires in training." Personally, I hope they are millionaires. That way, they won't miss the $22.95 they had to shell out to get these strokes.
Author Morris is also adept at shoveling on the flattery. In a chapter titled "Dreams Are The Fuel That Fire Desire," he writes, "I know you wouldn't be reading this book right now if you didn't have a great deal of desire, but I want you to know that the greater the desire burning within you, the greater the level of success you'll ultimately achieve."
Since we both know that the only desire burning inside of you is to run away to a tropical island where you can live on coconuts, the possibility of a layabout like you achieving millionaire status is slim. On the other hand, if your supervisor catches you spending another afternoon in snooze state, you will certainly achieve part of the unemployed millionaire dream -- being unemployed.
When not flattering its readers, "The Unemployed Millionaire" is a pretty standard rehash of the Magna Carta of the genre, "The Power of Positive Thinking." Personally, I prefer people like you -- negative thinkers. Your unrelenting negativity about your job, your prospects and your future may be depressing, but, at least, you can be confident that you're probably right.
As for the positive stinkers, like Mr. Morris, the only people who seem to actually make money on this kind of thought-control are the authors of self-help books. But don't let me be completely negative. Perhaps, you are indeed a nascent unemployed millionaire who only needs a nudge to break out of your chrysalis of self-doubt to emerge as a beautiful butterfly with megabucks. If so, here are a few nudges for free: