Really, I don't know how you do it. Day after day, month after month, year after year, you manage to convince the working world that you're good at your job. But there is one person who knows that you're a fake and a fraud. That person is you.
It's true! In a recent "Health Journal" feature in The Wall Street Journal, reporter Melinda Beck focuses on "Silencing the Voice that Says You're a Fraud." Her subject: seemingly successful people who secretly believe they are living a lie.
Successful people who secretly believe they're living a masquerade don't tell their bosses about their incompetence. They're crazy, but they're not stupid. Instead, these tortured souls aim their confession inward, punishing their own selves on the scope of their inadequacy. "I'm a terrible doctor. How did I get into medical school," says the physician to himself as he meets a new patient. "I'm a loser. I can't provide for my family, and I'll never be able to again," says the executive who loses his job after 25 productive years.
Of course, the physician may truly be a terrible doctor. The sad fact that Michael Jackson died with a prosthetic nose suggests that at least one doctor should have listened to his inner critic before picking up a scalpel. And as for the executive who believes she is a loser, welcome to the club. Most executives are losers who are incapable of accomplishing any productive work. That's why they're executives.
Still, let's assume that your inner voice has got the story wrong. You're not a bumbling homunculus hiding in the body of a high-achieving businessperson. The challenge is to convince the one person you have to be with, 24/7 -- yourself.
Needless to say, this is a case for a passel of psychologists. Like Robert L. Leahy, a New York therapist, who sees a connection with excessive self- criticism and eating disorders, self-mutilation and body dysmorphic disorder. "We have expanded what we expect of material success and physical appearance so that it's completely unrealistic," Leahy says, explaining why certain self-critics are preoccupied with their perceived physical flaws.
It could happen. What if the pudgy, disheveled, unattractive lump you see in the mirror every morning before you leave for work is not really you, but a only a distorted mental image caused by unwarranted self-hatred? What if you are really a slim, fit, beautiful person plagued by a serious mental condition? Go on! Take another look.
Hey, good news! You're not crazy. You really are pudgy.
Psychologists do not know for certain whether crippling self-doubt occurs more in males or females. They are convinced, however, that women do talk more about it. "The issue with men is, we don't really know what they're thinking," reports internist Marianne J. Legato.
Let me help Legato with this thorny problem. Men are thinking about sports, sex, beer, more beer, and more sports, and more sex, and the new receptionist who may have smiled at them three weeks ago, but they're not exactly sure. This is why men spend less time mentally berating themselves. They're just too busy.
For everyone who wants to say, "see you later, self-flagellator," reporter Beck does list ways you can heal yourself. Assuming that you really want to. Yet another psychologist, Katherine Muller, "often sees professionals -- doctors, lawyers -- who believe that if they didn't flog themselves, they wouldn't be as successful." If you stop beating yourself up, you may become a better-adjusted individual who is out of a job.
One technique is to monitor your thoughts. Keep a journal in which you write down your self-critical judgments -- "I'm a loser. I'm stupid. I'm ugly." This way, you can analyze the situations in which feelings of self-doubt occur. You will also have a handy list of internal insults to use on those days you're too feeble to think up any new ones.
Another idea is to collect objective data to use as a reality check when dealing with your own highly critical judgments. "Keep a short list of your achievements," Beck suggests, and that should work extremely well with you. Any list of your achievements will be very short, indeed. It could even be a micro list, inscribed on the head of a pin. But don't let me savage you with lacerating comments on your lack of accomplishments and abilities.
Beating yourself up could be the one thing you can actually do well.
