It's not easy to find a ray of sunshine in today's gloomy economy, but I do believe I have some very happy news indeed. Yes, unemployment is high. And yes, companies continue to slash payrolls willy-nilly, but guess what -- this time, first group of workers to get the ax are the young people. We old coots are hanging on and hanging in, waving bye-bye to the infernal whippersnappers who thought they could take our jobs simply because we're old and in the way.
A recent article by Dana Mattioli in The Wall Street Journal alerted me to the trend. "Employees in their 20s and 30s are finding themselves more at risk of a layoff," Mattioli writes, and Labor Department statistics confirm this conclusion. "The unemployment rate for those between the ages of 25 and 34 was 9.6 percent in April 2009, up from 4.95 percent a year earlier," the government calculates. "For those ages 55 and older, the unemployment rate was 6.2 percent in April 2009, compared with 3.3 percent a year earlier."
These figures are a little surprising considering managements' mania for youth. Young people are more malleable, and they cost a lot less in terms of upkeep. A 20-something is cheaper to hire, cheaper to keep, a lot less likely to make a fuss just because the boss is a moron. In other words, these hungry young punks can kneel before the geniuses on Mahogany Row without dinging the company for Titanium knee replacements.
But if you think management is keeping older employees because they have come to value experience and wisdom, you really are senile. The only reason older workers are not being fired quite so frequently is that costly age-discrimination lawsuits scare the suits to their skivvies.
"Younger people, in general, are a lot less of a risk (for lawsuits) when you do a reduction in force" says Andria Ryan, an Atlanta attorney. It seems over-40 workers are protected from age discrimination in most states, while only a few states extend this protection to workers as young as 18. The lesson here is clear. If you find yourself in a "Fair Play for Teenybopper" state, move.
Another reason older employees are catching a break, as the economy breaks into pieces is manager guilt. Frankly, I didn't think you could suffer from guilt if you had no conscience, but apparently I misjudged our country's executive elite. Beneath that hard shell is not only a hard heart, but also a nervous system made of Jell-O.
"It takes a tremendous toll on managers," says San Francisco State professor Mitchell Marks. "When layoff decisions come to a tiebreaker, personal and family situations often come into play."
Apparently, the existence of a ailing wife and two kids in college could make a difference when deciding whether to fire a 20-something hotshot, or a totally shot 50-year-old. The lesson here is clearly visible, even with cataracts. It doesn't matter if you're highly competent and highly effective in your job. The key to survival in today's rough and tumble working world is to be totally pathetic.
Go ahead! Drag out your aging spouse, preferably in a worn bathrobe and Scuffies. March your impossibly needy children through the cafeteria, so everyone can see the effects of malnutrition. If you don't have repulsive children or a pathetic spouse, rent some. You might even add a flea-bitten dog to the mix. Fido will add just the perfect soupcon of pathos as the family unit sets up camp outside your parking garage, cooking government cheese over a campfire made of office furniture.
Another survival tip from another expert, author Bruce Tulgan, is to demonstrate your commitment to your employer. "This is really a great time to come in early, stay late, dot your i's and cross your t's." In other words, you could start working really hard, or, in your case, simply start working.
I think we can both agree that is not going to happen.
A better idea unearthed in Mattioli's reporting is from Marks, the San Francisco State professor, who suggests that, young or old, you have a better chance to survive if you form a bond with a senior manager. The idea here is that when layoffs are scheduled, "it doesn't hurt to have someone in the executive conference room on your side."
This is probably true, but if my choice is between getting canned and getting chummy with some overstuffed, under-brained executive, I'll take getting canned. Being unemployed is no fun, but the company is better.
