Here's exciting news from the frontiers of science -- men and women are different.
Now, you might have suspected a difference did exist, but here's confirmation at last. Writing in The Wall Street Journal, Robert Sabat, moderator of the Best of the Juggle column, closes in on the scoop of the century with the headline Men Like Earning More Than Wives.
Referencing the work of Cornell Professor Pamela Tolbert, the co-author of the snappily-titled "The Impact of Relative Earnings Among Dual-Earner Couples on Career Satisfaction and Family Satisfaction," we learn "men who earn a lot more than their wives report significantly higher career satisfaction than men who earn about the same as their spouses."
How feeble! How pathetic! How true!
Men know women are better in almost every respect, and if society is tilted towards rewarding the weaker sex -- men -- than we have no choice but to cling to our one area of superiority: paychecks.
"Husbands feel concerned when wives make more than them," Tolbert explains. "We still have those kinds of models in our head."
Despite the fact that the models most men have in their heads can be found in the Sports Illustrated swimsuit edition, it is difficult to deny the satisfaction a man feels on those rare occasions when he can lord it over his mate. Of course, not all men are thoughtless louts. Many men temper their superiority in the salary department by giving their women an extra dollar or two now and then to indulge in whatever foolishness they have in their silly, little, underpaid heads, like buying shiny baubles at Tiffany's.
Sound slightly sexist? Not at all. According to the article, women who earn more than their men folk also report significantly higher levels of career satisfaction, proving that what is good for the goose is also good for gander. (And if someone knows what the heck a gander is, please e-mail me immediately. The only goose I know is my own, and when my wife reads this column, it is cooked.)
Tolbert's research was conducted between 1999 and 2002, and I suspect that the disastrous state of the economy in 2009 has produced significant changes in "the model."
Today, no one much cares who brings home the bacon. It could be the man, the woman, or the family dog. Lording it over your spouse because you get an extra 25 cents on your unemployment check fails to produce those same warm feelings of superiority.
If you think this is the last word on the workplace war between men and women, think again. Just a few days later, The New York Times chimed in with an interview with Carol Smith, senior vice president and chief brand officer at the Elle Group. Smith does not mince words when it comes to proclaiming the superiority of women, a victory she affirms, "Hands down."
"Female bosses tend to be better managers, better advisors, mentors, rational thinkers," Smith continues. "Men love to hear themselves talk."
In addition to a gift for logorrhea, Smith does give men props for their skill at not caring. "They're better at the 'whatever' side. Things tend to roll off their backs."
Thank goodness! After being pilloried in the press, the ability to let these painful attacks "roll off our backs" could be a critical evolutionary aspect of our survival as a gender, or, for that matter, as a gander.
Still, I do not want to go all male and negative on the Elle SVP, because I am 100 percent behind her policy on hiring. She insists on meeting job candidates at least three times, and one of those occasions "must be a meal."
It is a very female way to make critical decisions, I think. A man would simply challenge the applicant to a duel, or, at least, a bout of thumb wrestling. But this woman executive wants to see "How you order? What you order? How are they going to give instructions to the waiter? Are they sending the meal back eight times?"
I know I would fail the meal test miserably, ordering a steak blood rare and then sending it back two or eight times before I was served a manly degree of bloody rawness. But I don't care. I don't want to be hired for a high-paying job, which will only deprive my wife of the opportunity to feel superior to me. All I want is a free lunch.
