Use the first paragraph to explain how you came upon the job opening - you saw a want ad in the newspaper you use as a blanket when sleeping in your favorite alley, or you found a business card in the wallet you pick-pocketed on a cross-town bus. You should also use this introductory paragraph to demonstrate that you have done your homework. Don't be afraid to show off. Anybody with a laptop can learn the company's manufacturing and marketing strengths, but you show real initiative when you also reveal that the name of the downtown hotel the hiring manager uses to carry on an illicit affair with the boss's schnauzer.
Use the middle paragraphs, Enelow continues, to "convey a clear story about your career, and highlight past accomplishments. This can either be done as a narrative or in bullet points." In your case, I would suggest the narrative approach, because the bullet format may prove a little skimpy:
-- I was born.
-- I was hired.
-- I was fired.
-- I was fired again.
-- I quit.
-- Actually, I was fired.
-- I really could use an egg-salad sandwich.
"Finish up your letter by indicating that you will follow up in the future," writes Times reporter Korkki, "and make good on that promise." I suggest you either use the traditional farewell verbiage, "I'll never forget you, you and all the others like you, who have made my life a living hell," or the more personal, "I'll get even with you for this. Believe me, you haven't heard the last of (your name here.)"
A final warning is to not provide too much information. "Hiring managers are looking for way to exclude you," says cover-letter maven Enelow. "Do not give them that ammunition." I suggest you don't write a cover letter, or send a resume, or even answer the ad. Being a depressed, bitter, unemployed individual is something you do really well. Why wreck it?
