Really, I don't see why you're so paranoid about layoffs. You're a hard worker. You're highly capable. You're well liked. You're invaluable to the company.
You're not?
Oh, in that case, maybe you should be paranoid. Maybe you should be really paranoid.
How to prevent a layoff is beyond me, but I can provide some very good advice on what to do after the career guillotine comes down, and you find yourself headless and jobless. Thanks to Karen Blumenthal, the Family Money columnist for The Wall Street Journal, I now know the "Five Key Steps After a Layoff."
I can't say I agree with all five steps, but it nice to know what to do after the crying stops and before the drinking begins. By the numbers, then:
1. Stay covered.
Unexpected medical costs can take all the fun out of unemployment. There's nothing worse than having to give a doctor all the money you received in your severance package -- money that you could have spent buying a pack of Wrigley's.
Thanks to the Consolidated Omnibus Reconciliation Act, or COBRA, workers separated from their job can retain their health insurance, though the cost may make you sick.
COBRA costs are usually 102 percent of the premium, which means you have to pay your 50 percent, and your employer's 50 percent, as well as contribute another 2 percent, which the government uses to finance fact-finding trips to Maui for politicians too busy being wined and dined by lobbyists to get sufficient rest.
Can't afford COBRA? The new stimulus package could pay for 65 percent of your premium for the first nine months, or maybe it's 9 percent of your premium for the first 65 months. If you're not covered, write your congressman. The new law specifies that every citizen will receive a box of Luden's cough drops and a Band-Aid, which should more than tide you over until the economy recovers.
2. Figure out your minimum expenses.
Losing your job is not really a problem. The real problem is losing your paycheck. The experts suggest you go over your expenses to figure out areas where you can cut back. I suggest you start with food. Feeding your family can be expensive, and there's no reason to give up scarce dollars to some fat-cat supermarket chain, when you can get your children involved in family finances by sending them house-to-house, begging for casseroles.
While you do want to cut back, don't cut foolishly. For example, you'll certainly want to keep all your premium cable channels so you can alleviate your feeling of worthlessness by spending your period of worklessness watching first-run sports and high-definition porn.
3. Count your cash.
For many terminated employees, taking control of cash management during a period of unemployment is a challenge. For you, it will be a snap. Just empty your pockets. Put the change in an FDIC-insured jelly jar, and take the lint to the recycling center. Pocket lint can fetch as much as 75 cents a pound, more if you comb, dye and bail it for shipment to a bankrupt, Third World country, like California.
4. Look for other income.
A consulting gig or a temporary job could "expand your skills and keep your resume fresh," says Blumenthal. The trick is determining your personal area of expertise. For example, if you are good at avoiding work, making bad decisions, shifting blame onto others, goofing off on company time, and lavishly rewarding yourself, you could get part-time work as the CEO of a major bank.
5. Manage your 401(k).
Remember all the money you've been putting aside every week in that tax-deferred retirement account? You should only access this money as a last resort. The bad news is that if you take it out now, you'll pay all those taxes you previously avoided, plus you could also pay a penalty. The good news is that the stock market is such a disaster area that you probably don't have very much left in your 401(k) account anyway.
Clearly, recovering your equilibrium after a layoff will not be easy. Perhaps the best idea of all is to forget even trying to get a new job, and just start your retirement now. Burn your resume. Flop on the couch. Click on the cable. And relax. In this topsy-turvy world, chances are you won't be able to succeed at retirement, either, and you'll soon be back to work, complaining and miserable again. And won't that be wonderful!
