Really, I don't see why you're so paranoid about layoffs. You're a hard worker. You're highly capable. You're well liked. You're invaluable to the company.
You're not?
Oh, in that case, maybe you should be paranoid. Maybe you should be really paranoid.
How to prevent a layoff is beyond me, but I can provide some very good advice on what to do after the career guillotine comes down, and you find yourself headless and jobless. Thanks to Karen Blumenthal, the Family Money columnist for The Wall Street Journal, I now know the "Five Key Steps After a Layoff."
I can't say I agree with all five steps, but it nice to know what to do after the crying stops and before the drinking begins. By the numbers, then:
1. Stay covered.
Unexpected medical costs can take all the fun out of unemployment. There's nothing worse than having to give a doctor all the money you received in your severance package -- money that you could have spent buying a pack of Wrigley's.
Thanks to the Consolidated Omnibus Reconciliation Act, or COBRA, workers separated from their job can retain their health insurance, though the cost may make you sick.
COBRA costs are usually 102 percent of the premium, which means you have to pay your 50 percent, and your employer's 50 percent, as well as contribute another 2 percent, which the government uses to finance fact-finding trips to Maui for politicians too busy being wined and dined by lobbyists to get sufficient rest.
Can't afford COBRA? The new stimulus package could pay for 65 percent of your premium for the first nine months, or maybe it's 9 percent of your premium for the first 65 months. If you're not covered, write your congressman. The new law specifies that every citizen will receive a box of Luden's cough drops and a Band-Aid, which should more than tide you over until the economy recovers.
2. Figure out your minimum expenses.
Losing your job is not really a problem. The real problem is losing your paycheck. The experts suggest you go over your expenses to figure out areas where you can cut back. I suggest you start with food. Feeding your family can be expensive, and there's no reason to give up scarce dollars to some fat-cat supermarket chain, when you can get your children involved in family finances by sending them house-to-house, begging for casseroles.
While you do want to cut back, don't cut foolishly. For example, you'll certainly want to keep all your premium cable channels so you can alleviate your feeling of worthlessness by spending your period of worklessness watching first-run sports and high-definition porn.
3. Count your cash.