If you're not working, you should be networking. In a period when the economy is in critical condition, spending your spare time working your network is critical.
But how can you follow the 11th Commandment, Thou Shalt Network, when you are a cranky, antisocial, shy guy or gal who can't blow their own horn without sounding off-key, and who views any trip outside their personal space with fear, dread, and projectile vomiting?
The answer to this and other networking questions were the subject of a recent Phyllis Korkki's "Career Couch" column in "The New York Times." As usual, the information Korkki gathers from her own network of career advisors is well-meaning but very unrealistic, given the reluctance of people like you to wear your heart on your sleeve and your resume on your forehead.
What's important to understand here is that networking is not simply a desperate game of "Meet Me. Like Me. Hire Me." "Networking is a matter of teaching and learning rather than trying to put something over on someone," says Anne Baber, co-founder of Contacts Count. "Instead of thinking 'What can I get out of this?' Think 'what can I give to this?'"
But what if you have nothing to give, except a wet-fish handshake and a hard-luck story? I say: fortify that limp handshake with cash! "I'll give you $100 if you'll be my best friend forever," is an excellent, if expensive, way of making new connections. Yes, it might seem a trifle juvenile to troll for BFFs, but let's face facts -- anyone who's going to hire you has to be a victim of some seriously arrested development. And if the price of nabbing a new job is selling your entire Beanie Baby collection, I say, pay it.
If the effort of dragging yourself to a job these last few years has eaten into your networking efforts -- good news! According to expert Liz Ryan, it's never too late to work your network, "raggedy and uncultivated" as it might be.
The idea here is to use your newly found spare time between 9 a.m. and 5 p.m. to make a list of every human being who has ever crossed your path in the tragic parade to futility that is your career. No, you can't include me, but you can list angry ex-spouses and parole officers.
Given your personal history and abundant character flaws, I strongly suggest you focus your networking activities on people who have no idea who you are. It would also make sense to ask these victims of your networking activities for referrals before they learn anything about you. (You could, however, look for former kindergarten classmates to serve as referrals. Back then, everyone thought you had potential.)