I don't want to be a Negative Norbert, but it is entirely possible that before 2009 is over, you will need to dust off your resume. Hopefully, you will be requiring a retread of your curriculum vitae because a major, super-lucrative executive position is being offered to you, but even if your new dream career is to become an assistant greeter at Wal-Mart, your resume will definitely influence your chance of slipping on that handsome red jacket.
Which is why, I suppose, that so many otherwise honest people turn their resumes into tissues of fibs, half-truths and downright dirty lies.
As you can imagine, I didn't need a spectacular resume to get my current job. My brilliance, insight, and the simple fact that my mother owns this newspaper, were all the qualifications I needed. Still, that didn't stop me from including an M.B.A .from Harvard, a Ph.D. in paleontology from the Sorbonne, and a two-year stint as the U.S. ambassador to the Court of St. James.
I didn't augment my resume because I needed to. I just wanted to keep in practice should this exalted position go bye-bye.
Unfortunately, you who are about to enter the job hunting maelstrom of 2009 will have to face strong, economic headwinds. With job losses at historic highs, there are more candidates out there -- some of them far more qualified than you. (OK, let's be honest. All of them more qualified than you.) According to the experts, a tight job market tends to inspire job applicants to exaggerate their accomplishments. This can backfire. I mean, how many candidates can claim to have pitched no-hitters in the World Series, except, of course, for you and me.
Employers, for their part, are tightening up when it comes to checking resumes, according to a chilling article in The Wall Street Journal. In this increasingly hostile business environment, about 90 percent now perform background checks on potential employees, though the intensity of the vetting process does vary. Some companies hire corporate detective agencies to sift through the minutiae of their candidate's qualifications. Others flip a coin. Based on the caliber of your company's recent executive hires, I'd say you're definitely working for a bunch of coin flippers.
The most common areas for resume finagling include lying about the reasons for leaving your last job, results and accomplishments in your previous job, and past job responsibilities.
I can clearly see why you would want to lie about the reasons you left your last position. Being caught with your hand in the petty cash box is not a confidence builder, even if it is clear that you had been drugged by a toxic substance in the tuna sandwich you had stolen from the coffee room refrigerator.
On the other hand, I do censure employers for being too picky about this matter of "previous responsibilities." If your job was to carry your boss' briefcase from the corporate jet to the company limo, then who is to say that calling yourself "Director of Information Services" is not an appropriate job description. Similarly, your ability to have at hand your manager's favorite chewing gum certainly qualifies you for a position of "Strategic Supply Chain Director."
(Special warning: fibbing about your previous salary can be dangerous. A hiring manager can ask to see proof, and it is a little embarrassing to have to claim that the dog ate your pay stubs.)
Exaggerated academic accomplishments came up as the fifth most popular resume lie, according to a study by executive recruiter, Korn/Ferry International. You would think that even the most deranged executives would have learned this lesson by now, but the need to drape oneself with mock college degrees seems irresistible to the managerial class. And, in fact, 2008 saw the president of Herbalife Ltd. lose his position when it was discovered that his corporate biography included a fake master's degree. Similar discoveries of forged or inflated academic degrees also struck executives at Tetra Tech Inc. and Cabot Microelectronics.
Fortunately, no one is going to question your Ph.D. from Munsingwear University, or the Phi Beta Kappa key that came with it. Hey, you paid for that degree fair and square. Best $99 you ever spent!
The lesson here is to be very careful when compiling your resume. You only want to include the best-crafted lies and the most inspired exaggerations. You may be dinged for doing a bad job, but no one will ever be able to say that you lacked imagination.
