When it comes to looking for jobs, it pays to have a family connection. That's good news for you, because you've got a rich uncle. His name is Sam and he is hiring.
Be honest now -- you've always harbored a certain skepticism about people who turn their backs on the exciting, competitive world of private enterprise to secure a sinecure in the ranks of the civil service. But now that the exciting, competitive world seems headed for the dumpster, those dull, boring, permanent jobs complete with pensions and health benefits sound pretty darn good.
Though I have always found government employees to be -- with the possible exception of Vice President Dick Cheney -- helpful and pleasant, I never did consider joining the ranks until I heard an interview with Dennis V. Damp, the author of "The Book of US Government Jobs."
Damp, who also runs www.federaljobs.net, is a wealth of information on how to put yourself on Uncle Sam's payroll. And a hefty payroll it is, with over 2,700,000 workers in full-time government jobs, the average salary for which exceeds $67,000. Throw in fringe benefits and the average federal worker's compensation is over $105,000!
Add a snappy uniform and the possibility of a lifetime supply of high-quality government ballpoint pens, and you've got an opportunity that could be worthy of consideration. Let's take a closer look and see if Uncle Sam wants you, and vice versa.
Right off the bat, it seems clear that not every government job is as good as it sounds. On my first visit to federaljobs.net, I immediately clicked on "Overseas Positions." Fresh from my third viewing of "Quantum of Solace," I could definitely picture myself strolling the Champs-Elysees, a pouch full of diplomatic mail on my shoulder, and a dinner date with a willowy international diplomat in my future.
Unfortunately, such posh postings might not be easy to acquire. "Individuals wanting to work overseas must meet certain stringent requirements," the website explains. "You must be able to physically adapt to the conditions at various locations that may not have adequate health care facilities."
In other words, forget Paris. Your best chance for an overseas gig will probably be in a laundry facility in Afghanistan -- perhaps the one place on earth more demeaning and dangerous than your present position in the corporate cube farm.
If you are the kind of person who enjoys meeting new people and snooping into their private lives, you will be delighted to learn that the "Census Bureau will hire about 1.4 million part-time census takers and support personnel through 2010. The average hourly salary is in the high teens to low twenties depending on the area you live in and the jobs typically last five to 10 weeks."
It's not a lot of money, so you might want to consider your census gig as a sideline to your current position. Tell your manager you have an appointment with your aroma therapist, cover 20 to 50 homes in your area, and be back in time for lunch. Best of all, the census this year is going digital. You will " record information on a small, handheld computing device, which will transmit the data via wireless communications." I'm not sure what qualifications are required, but if you can master "World of Goo" on your Wii, they'll probably take you.
Other hot jobs are with the FBI, which is looking for linguists. The languages listed include Dari, Farsi, Gujarati, Kazakh and Pashto. I'm not sure your mastery of pig Latin will qualify, but it couldn't hurt to "utpay inway ouryay applicationway." The Federal Aviation Administration is also hiring, but if you're the type who likes to keep your feet on the ground, then your career choice may be with the Transportation Security Administration. It's difficult work, but if you weren't very popular in high school and want to get back at all the people who gave you a hard time in gym class, making successful business travelers take off their shoes could be highly rewarding.
Of course, the very best government jobs are those to which you are elected, so if your resume is weak and your experience is nil, consider joining the U.S. government work force in a management position. The pay is terrific, the perks are awesome, and the work schedule is a breeze.
Best of all, these jobs regularly turn over, as Mr. Cheney will cheerfully testify, so it definitely pays to get your application in now.
