After hearing the most recent commentary regarding Apple, Inc.,
I’m absolutely convinced that stock analysts, prior to hanging their shingle on
Wall Street, are required to attend The
Pavlovian Institute for Classical
Stock Analyst Conditioning. Here’s how I believe it works.
Prior to earning their credentials, stock analysts from Piper Jaffray, Credit Suisse, Bernstein, and a myriad of others, are taken to the institute, placed in a dark room, and seated in a chair. Next, they’re connected to a machine by a multitude of electrical wires attached to various parts of their body. Then, the stock analysts are asked a series of fill-in-the-blank questions, such as, “If you place an item on EBay, you’re attempting to _____ it. Of course, the analysts would say “sell.” With that response, a jolt of electricity would instantly surge from the machine to the stock analyst, delivering a nasty shock. Another question would be, “You’ve contacted a real estate broker to _____ your house.” Of course, the analyst would say “sell” and once again, it would trigger another rush of electricity. Normally, it takes three questions in order to condition the average stock analyst, which brings us to the final question, which is always, “What is the opposite of buy?” The typical analyst usually hesitates, and then grudgingly says, “s-s-s-s-s-s-s-sell,” at which point the final surge of voltage is administered. After this most important final question, the intense training sessions are always concluded, and the stock analysts are then ready to take their places on Wall Street.