Gather around, people. It's 2009. This is the year we're going to get it right.

Oh, I understand. You really tried to get it right in 2008, but there were attenuating circumstances. Like the economy dropping out from under you like a trap door, just when you were ready to start your charge up the org. chart. In 2008, it really didn't matter what you were trying to achieve. If you made it through until December 31 without being downsized, outsized or sideways-sized, you did all right.

But we're not going to let a rotten economy and a scary employment environment stop us from succeeding in 2009, are we? Of course not. As long as there are hardworking, highly motivated, totally ethical individuals in the work force, you can succeed. Because you have something they don't have -- an innate ability to cheat, deceive, and slime your way to the top.

I trust this little pep talk will have left you ready to roll up your sleeves and not go to work. Friend, you don't have time to work, not if you're going to shuck and jive your way all the way to 2010.

Where to start? How about some New Year's resolutions:

BUTTERING UP THE BOSS.

Perhaps I don't have a degree in evolutionary anthropology, but ever since the first flounder wriggled out of the sea and started walking on land, buttering up your boss has been an efficient and effective tool for workplace success. In 2009, it's time to step up your game.

In 2008 you could get away with miserly efforts like writing sonnets to your manager, or strewing rose petals in their path as they made their way through the cube farm. In 2009, bring your shoeshine kit to the weekly staff meetings just won't cut it.

My idea for how to separate yourself from the garden-variety fawners and flatterers is to widen your sphere of slathering sycophancy to include your boss's life outside of the workplace. What better way to spend your weekend hours than mowing your manager's lawn? And when you're finished mowing, or raking, or shoveling, why not end your visit by busting out your ukulele and serenading your supervisor with a specially written rondel of rap praising his achievements in the style of traveling minstrels of yore.

ANNIHILATING THE COMPETITION Continued...