Bob Goldman

I don't care what your mother told you. Being polite is not always the best way to get what you want.

It's true! There are times in life when rudeness rules. When a raise or a promotion or a job offer comes your way, don't immediately fall to your knees and start kissing the cuffs of the nearest HR professional. And don't start blubbering and babbling about how grateful you are that, at last, someone has saved you from a life of day-old bread and government cheese.

Remember: It's the squeaky wheel that gets the grease, and when it comes to salary, you definitely want to get greased.

Of course, not everyone is a brilliant negotiator. That's why you need Matthew DeLuca, the author of "Perfect Phrases for Negotiating Salary and Job Offers: Hundreds of Ready-to-Use Phrases to Help You Get the Best Possible Salary, Perks or Promotion."

I discovered Mr. DeLuca's long-winded title in an article by Dona DeZube on Titled "Questions to Ask When Negotiating Salary," DeLuca and DeZube are delightfully forthright in advising that you play hardball. "This is going to show you're astute in dealing with the outside world," Mr. DeLuca insists, and I guess we have to trust him, though in this economy, putting the brakes on any opportunity may be easier when you have a large trust fund.

"Thanks -- is this a firm job offer?" is the first question you want to ask if you think you've been actually offered a job. In response, the hiring manager may think you are crazy, or deaf, so be prepared to explain that a loser like you can't believe anyone would hire a loser like you. If this makes for an uncomfortable moment, you can default to the traditional response of sobbing uncontrollably and repeatedly asking, "Really? You're really hiring me? Really? Cross your heart and hope to die?"

An appropriate response to a specific salary offer is to ask, "Is this base only?" I like this gambit, but it seems a little too subtle. Better to be forthright and ask if the money you are being offered represents your weekly or your monthly salary. If the hiring manager responds it's what they intend to pay you for an entire year, just lean back and laugh. "That's pretty funny," you say. "For a moment there, I thought you were serious."

"Never accept a job offer on the spot" is a piece of advice that might seem counter-intuitive to someone who has been looking for work since the No. 1 position on MTV countdown was held by "Wham!" Still, Mr. DeLuca insists that you'll be "perceived as more effective if you're thoughtful."

Bob Goldman

Bob Goldman is a business humor writer.

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